The Pizza Conspiracy (c)

A new non-recent leak revealed by CCN News from up closet interviews with scientists at the Mozzarella Section of the Museum of Cheese(Musee De La Chiesa) on Castleton Ave & Taylor St in West Brighton, Staten Island(former Greek Revival Building of the Richmond County Savings Bank designed by Guisseppe Chester Fieramosca, a 2nd cousin of both Garibaldi, the saviour of Italy & Antonio Meucci, the real inventor of the telephone) has determined that the decline of the United States is inextricably interwoven with the increase in the demand for and the consumption of PIZZA. This complex 250 second survey during the time the anonymous official source was travelling from his duty station & the breakroom concluded, Melvin said that if people spent less time consuming pizza, global warming could be averted, the Tea Party would have supported Obama, and none of us would get sick, that the Driveway Snow Plowers Union would have refused to plow the Governor of Wisconsin's driveway, hence preventing him from his anti-union activities, that the weight of the imported food materials coming into the United States alone would have offset any earthquakes in Japan by the shear volume & weight of distribution of the enormous cheese tankers & shiploads, that the time spent by stockbrokers in consuming pizza alone in the last few weeks has caused the market to decline and that the smell of garlic on their return to work has itself caused an upsurge in selling off the more cheesy stocks. When contacted by phone, Charlie Berardi, who owns Freddie's Pizzeria on Castleton Ave near Taylor St, said that he only invests in HI-Tech Military Industrial Complex Stock as his ancestors who are related to the Princes of Hesse in Germany have always done, which is why his Checkers Pizza Company is the 3rd largest purveyor of pizza in the Northeast. Talking to him in the palatial estate he has built on the former grounds of Governor Dongan's Manor House on Dongan Street & Richmond Terrace, Charlie said his investment in the HAARP technology & the 17 mile Positron Accelerator in Switzerland has made him acquiesce in turning Freddie's Pizzeria after 33 years over to his son-in-law Tommy McBratton to turn the restuarant into an upscale Irish Pub which has been tentatively named, "Not Casey's" referencing the very popular Joint a block away on Dongan St called "Casey's". Calls to "Casey's' in regard to this endeavor were too crude to put into this report. This reporter interviewed one Antonio Giaccio the owner of Bling Bling which lies exactly halfway between both establishments. Tony Jr, said he goes to his grandfather's place in Bayonne, New Jersey or his brother's place on Richmond Ave in Port Richmond for the real stuff if he really wants 'good pizza'. "I mean I don't go to Casey's to eat pizza, c'mon paison. Whatsa matta wit you?" An earthshattering investigation of all these allegations has lead the top team of CCN News to conclude that indeed our enormous need for consuming vast quantities of Pizza (and Murphy's at Casey's) has probably led to what some scientists who prefer to remain anonymous proclaim is the 2nd Fall of Rome. Though some said it would be the 3rd if you considered Nero's conflagration, while Sinnead O'Casey at Casey's restaurant said that if you consider that Brennus & the Celts razed Rome in about the 5th c. BCE it would actually be the third falling of Rome. Stay tuned for the next installment where we have ripped open the cloves of Monsanto's new scenario to genetically modify pizza garlic so as to corner the World Trade on this very important and necessary mundane item that we all take for granted when we are not locked into the same room with someone who has eaten too much of it. See our next report: "The Truth Behind the Garlic Festival in Saugerties New York." by our new cub reporter Jimmy Olsen